announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
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Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
What the hell happened here.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
I really had high hopes for this year though
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga