They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
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Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?