“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
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has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
“I’m helping” 😅
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.