A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
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“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
motivation
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
I’m crying im so happy for them
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
They’re the worst 😩
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.