motivation
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My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.