Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
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“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.