@slaughthie

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

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@Shade510

Her: Umm…Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog…returns 3 days later

@JElvisWeinstein

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

@Marlebean

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

@see_more13

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

@hansabumsadaisy

#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.

@Reverend_Scott

Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.

Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?

@impaulmccoy

[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.

@iGreenGod

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

@Sheila_Mac420

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.