I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
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“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother