My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
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HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
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don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”