me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
You Might Also Like
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
my nickname in college
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?