My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
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Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
2022 will be better than 2021
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
The Friday File.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
#Caturday
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.