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2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever