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David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Van Gone
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I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.