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A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Lube but for my dry humor.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”