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If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
every olympics i turn into this guy
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
my proudest tweet
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job