Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
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Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.