Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
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I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
haha same
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
“The Perfect Relationship”
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!