Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
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Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
pat pat
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great