Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
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“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.