Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
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[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
This is true.
Lmfaoooooo
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.