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Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
If only
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.