4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
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They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Meme Monday.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I unironically love this joke.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!