So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
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Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
bears
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
I am also baked goods
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.