*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
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confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
🙂🙃🥹