Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
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My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
What kind of a cult is this?
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”