What kind of a cult is this?
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If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.