Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
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I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
lmfao come on
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.