Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
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You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
#Caturday
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
whatcha thinkin bout
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome