I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
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[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*