I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
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Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*