As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
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Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah