*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
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Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.