Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
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My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
huge if true: the moon
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
My birth announcement for our third baby
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
My Guy
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how