My Guy
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A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
lol
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something