It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
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Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?