My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you