I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
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Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
j o i m p
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.