@AnnietheNanny1

People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.

You Might Also Like

@TheCatWhisprer

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.

@kibblesmith

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

@shutupmikeginn

A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever

@UnFitz

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

@nyquills

Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?

Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!

Me: seriously Martha?

Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?

@withanewname

I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.

@Fred_Delicious

[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”

@Laser_Cat

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

@TheTweetOfGod

The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.