@AbbieEvansXO Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
@AnnietheNanny1 People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
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@AbbieEvansXO 
@AlmightyBored Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
@DadandBuried My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
@JermHimselfish Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
@Mike_Bianchi A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
@joeheenan 10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
@TheHyyyype WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
@omgshuddup Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
@GibJimson Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
@JamieGreenlees I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying