People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
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9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.