Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
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Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Not today
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop