Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
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[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Check your privilege
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Mission: Impossible
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
much to think about
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…