i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
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Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac