My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
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Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?