I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
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I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.