Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?

exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.

My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon

Strudel me like one of your toaster girls

Shortcut

when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy

Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.

Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’

Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.

I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years

I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.

movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)

😂 amazing answer

I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker

I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.

Parents: Never talk to strangers!

Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?