I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
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Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom