[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
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What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close