Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
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If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.