Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
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A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
the best thing i’ve ever made
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.