I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
You Might Also Like
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.