I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
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kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”