Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
You Might Also Like
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Lassie, get help!
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips