If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
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the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
is it earth
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”