[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]
I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
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My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
🤯🤯🤯
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”