Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
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Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
boat question
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Yes, this is exactly right
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.