[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
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I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend