The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
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The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
getting corrected
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up