For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
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[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
my first dose meeting my second
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company